Spiritual Abuse at Vista Church and the Network: My Confession and Call to Repentance
“Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” – 1 Peter 1:13 (All Biblical Citations are from the English Standard Version)
Hope and Love
Brothers and Sisters,
I know this is long, but if you have ever called me a friend, I ask only that you listen.
I never wanted to write something like this. In fact, it has taken me most of this year to work up the courage to do so. But the love of Christ compels me to do so, out of love for:
• Leaders, that they would repent
• Those in the community of Vista and the Network, that they would be safe.
• Those harmed by me and the leaders, that they would find healing and peace.
• Jesus, that his name would be honored above all.
My name is Celeste* Irwin, and I am a former planter, member, and small group leader at Vista Church. I am married with two children (age 11 and 9). We started at Blue Sky Church in Bellevue, Washington in early 2012, then moved as part of a 47-person team to San Luis Obispo, California in summer of 2016 to start Vista Church. These churches are part of “The Network”, an unnamed network of more than twenty churches. The Network is led by Steve Morgan and split off from the Vineyard network around 2006.
* Since writing this letter, I have come out as a transgender woman, and my name is now Celeste. I have updated my name throughout this article.
We left the church in April 2021. The following letter explains why. This is not primarily a narrative of our story – that will come later.
I loved Vista Church. I loved Blue Sky Church. I spent almost a decade laboring to build these churches. I loved the people. They were friends – family even – that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I smiled as I would pass their photos on my wall. It brought me joy when we would gather and laugh. I loved serving and showing hospitality whenever possible. And most importantly, I thought we were spreading the gospel, helping people follow Jesus, and loving each other as we did it. I often dreamed of what life having helped plant Vista and maybe more churches would feel like when I’m 80, looking back. I was thankful that my kids would be part of that legacy, seeing their parents follow Jesus this way. Giving our lives for Jesus by planting a healthy church – what could be better?
And it has brought absolute anguish to have to move on when I could no longer support the leaders or continue to lead in good conscience. This happened because of a simple but devastating conclusion: Vista Church is not a healthy church, and the network it is part of is also unhealthy. To continue at the church would have been betraying my friends and family and I would not do that. In this letter I will cover:
• The right use of power in a church.
• Repentance of my own abuses of that power, particularly as a small group leader.
• The abuses of power by church and network leaders – including ways they mistreated myself and others. I saw harsh speech, gossip (and perhaps slander), intimidation, demands for loyalty, partiality, control, and more.
• A call to repentance. At no point have I seen the leaders listen, learn, apologize, and repent. “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
• I will close with a few suggestions, humbly offered, and many resources you can consult as you consider these words.
I’ve often wondered whether I would ever find the right words or the courage to share them. I’ve written 40-50 thousand words trying to come up with the right ones. I’m still quite sure these words will not be adequate but ask that you listen to the Holy Spirit as you read them. I ask only that you listen, and that you ask questions. If you disagree with something I’ve said, let’s talk! Maybe I was unclear. Maybe I was wrong. But keeping silent won’t help. Some topics are treated only briefly here – I will be expanding on them in the weeks and months ahead.
I love you all, and I have wept for you all. Yes, that includes the leaders. I hope and pray for God’s wisdom and peace for each of you as you move forward.
Disclaimer: Many of the events I will describe have no formal record, or at least not one that I have access to. Please interpret any quotes as my best memory of what was said, but I cannot guarantee word-for-word accuracy. Many of the conversations described lasted well over an hour, and I can’t possibly remember every word spoken or bother you to read it if I could. That said, I’ve attempted to be as fair as I can and will eagerly correct and apologize if anything is wrong or misleadingly incomplete.
Edits: All changes from the original are noted with the tag “[Edited]” and are explained on a subsequent blog post. This creates transparency and accountability where I am making changes, without distracting the reader as they read the letter.
Leaving the Network: I want to thank the “Leaving the Network” site for speaking out publicly about this network. I am adding my voice to theirs. I’ve been in contact with them and I appreciate their help and advice, not to mention their huge effort. The only reason this is a separate site is that I will be producing additional content that may not always make sense for the goals that site has. We wanted to respect each others goals. I’m also aware of the r/leavingthenetwork subreddit and look forward to engaging on it going forward. I specifically want to thank those who have spoken by name about their experience in the network. Jeff Miller, Morgan M., Casey H., Eric H., and Matthew M. have led the way in sharing long-form stories. Many more have spoken on the subreddit. Thank you for shining light.
“Pastoral Authority”
What is Spiritual Abuse?
Note: A wealth of books and resources have been written on this topic. I link to all of them at the end of this letter. Please educate yourself. What is said here is a basic description. But if you are in the Network, you’ve almost certainly never heard of this before. And spiritual abuse thrives on ignorance of it.
A pastor is a shepherd, not a king. They are fellow sheep under our Great Shepherd. Elders are to, “shepherd the flock that is among you… not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:1-3).
The modern term for “domineering” is “spiritual abuse.” It is another form of abuse in addition to those you likely already know: physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. Like any form of abuse, it involves the misuse of power to coerce and control someone into doing something they did not choose, at harm to themselves. spiritual abuse abuses the power of pastoral authority or things that “God says”. This can include interpretations or applications of the Bible or visions and prophecy. It does not have to have been intentional to exist, especially when there is a long pattern of it. In such cases we must at least acknowledge the negligence that allowed it to continue.
While at Vista Church I spiritually abused people and was a victim of spiritual abuse. I started reading about it when I realized that I might be a victim of it. I left Vista Church when I realized I was both actively committing it and complicit in it by my silence. I could no longer lead at Vista Church in good conscience.
One important note is that it is possible, even common, to be both a victim and abuser, in the same way that someone who experiences child abuse can grow to abuse their own children. This gives me great empathy for the leaders in the church but does not exonerate them (or me). It is also possible to be a victim without knowing it, in the same way that a child whose parents are “rough” with them may not have any idea that they are being abused until they grow up and someone helps them see that what happened was not ok. Abuse thrives on the victim’s inability to name what is happening as abuse. This is one reason why I felt compelled to speak – to shine a light. Again, the resources provided will help you learn more about this topic and I will write more on it in the future.
But pastors have authority, right?
A pastor saying, “I’d advise against doing that, based on what I read in the Bible,” is offering wise council. A pastor saying, “you may not do that thing,” may be domineering. Yes, at times, an action is so obviously sinful (e.g., adultery, physical violence, etc. for some obvious examples) that church discipline is warranted, the process for which is outlined in Matthew 18:15-17, and it involves the entire church making the decision, not the pastor or even elder board. Overseeing this process is definitely a responsibility of the pastors.
But, in many decisions in life, reasonable Christians may disagree, or the Bible may be outright silent. In such cases, a pastor must model wisdom while being clear about the bounds of their authority. I’ve added a link on the resources page on the subject of “Binding Consciences” which articulates this concept quite well.
Wisdom needed
In all cases, since everyone sins, wisdom is needed. And this is precisely why the final step of discipline is to “tell it to the church”, and if the person still won’t repent, then and only then are they considered an unbeliever (in need of repentance, not shunning). This prevents a pastor or elder board from abusing their authority on issues that the church does not agree with.
Humility, not harm
Let me be clear. Physical abuse is an act of violence against one’s body. Emotional abuse is an act of violence against one’s heart. And spiritual abuse is an act of violence against one’s very soul. It crushes one’s will, defaces their uniqueness, and defiles the image of God they bear. It treats them not as the beautiful, loved creation they are, but as either resources or tasks. Either things to be used for the making of the church or things that God has assigned to be managed by the leaders. Jesus simply never treats those he is trying to lead like this.
As Christians, we are called to service and humility: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Humble pastors repent. Humble pastors listen. Humble pastors assume that wisdom will come from someone else in the body. Humble pastors know that they need the rest of the body to fill their own areas of weakness. Humble pastors are open about their weaknesses. Humble pastors rebuke attempts to make them into royalty. And humble pastors take seriously Jesus’ statement that the great must be the least and must be servants, not lords over people.
I Repent – What I did
The simplest way I can answer the question “How do you know there was spiritual abuse in the Network?” is by answering, “Because I did it, and I did it because my leaders trained me to do it.”
To avoid hypocrisy and to aid in healing for as many as I can, I need to repent of my own sins first. While a small group leader at Vista, I committed spiritual abuse, partiality, and gossip. I apologize to those I have harmed. Many of these were objected to by those in my small group or other friends. I did not listen. Most of these behaviors were known and endorsed by my leaders. I was not rebuked for any of them. This does not exonerate me but does implicate them. I believe the leaders and myself have disqualified ourselves from leadership through these behaviors.
I became a small group leader in early 2019. Much of the first year, I led badly, though I didn’t know it fully at the time. For those of you who are leaders in the Network, I invite you to consider my words and regrets that I share here and then consider your own actions.
If I’m honest, my primary goal was to get people to be more engaged at Vista. I wanted them to read their Bible, invest in newer people, and contribute to small group discussions. I pressed specific people to stop splitting time between Vista and another Christian community. As I wrote monthly small group reports for Luke Williams (Lead Pastor at Vista Church), I wanted to be able to show that I was doing well. Of course, I cared about the people in my group. But I saw their development as marks of my performance. This corrupted my heart.
I led certain topics without room for debate, particularly discussions on, “A right to response to leaders.” I never allowed a conversation on what to do if a leader is leading badly, despite my group raising that question. Additionally, I would shut down critique of Luke and Landon Nagata (a former staff pastor at Vista), even though I would sometimes silently agree with the critiques raised.
I pressured people to tithe, defended the prohibition on yoga, guilted people into attending retreats, hyped church planting as a thing everyone should be willing to do, and painted the passions of others as sin, while arbitrarily defending my own. I carelessly gave “counseling” on marriage while possessing no training of any kind. I told people not to focus too much on getting prayer for work.
I would regularly discuss private details of my small group members with Luke or Eugene Chang (who was my best friend and is also a small group leader – I was in his small group for years). Luke required reports on each person in the small group – recommending half a page per person. Eugene and I would talk about details of the people in our groups. Occasionally there was gossip with other small group leaders as well. Finally, small groups have a “core group”, which is unknown to the others in the group. I would talk with this group about how best to serve those who weren’t yet in the core group.
I failed to care for people. Some people got more of my time; others got less. This was partiality, as it was based on who I wanted to spend time with. I know what this feels like, because it is how Chris Miller (the top Network Worship Leader) treated me – he only got together with me and Paula once in over a year as our small group leader. I’m so sorry that I did it to others. It breaks my heart to know that I likely made others feel the same way I felt: unvalued.
To those who were in my group: every one of you is valued by Jesus – why didn’t I value you the same? Every one of you is deserving of love and care. Each of you has so much that God put in you that is so uniquely beautiful and inspiring. I have thought frequently about what I missed out on while trying to turn some of you into proper Network citizens. And I know that many of you would have experienced the pain of having your very identity criticized and told that it must change. I’m deeply sorry for the harm I inflicted on each of you and pray for your healing. I ask your forgiveness and will make any attempts at reconciliation that you will allow.
The above list is partial, and much of it will require follow-up writing to explain deeper. I welcome questions and challenges. Most importantly, I welcome opportunities to apologize to anyone who will allow me to do so in person. I hurt people by making myself a ruler in their life, rather than a brother who would cheer them on and serve them as they followed Christ.
The Leaders of the Church
Why I am speaking publicly
The same passage that says that elders who rule well are worthy of “double honor” also says that elders who persist in sin are to be publicly rebuked. (1 Timothy 5:17-21) There are now far more than the “two or three witnesses” required by that passage to bring a charge against the Network leadership, and so it must be spoken about and dealt with publicly, without partiality. Jesus also modeled this when he rebuked the Pharisees publicly, and Paul did the same with Peter. That process should be soaked with grace and love, but the process must happen. I dream of repentance and redemption for the leaders. I long for the next chapter of their lives. I hope nothing but truly good things for them.
Helpful quotes
“A healthy organization will not have their future in jeopardy because someone told the truth about them.” – Amy Fritz, host of the Untangled Faith podcast.
“Silence in the face of evil can be a kind of abuse of power, for in staying silent about someone else’s pain, we have nullified our God given power to speak truth. God asks us to use our verbal power and to open our mouths for the mute, for those without such power.” – Dr. Diane Langberg, a psychologist who has written extensively about abuses of power and the trauma they cause.
“With one hand the abusive faith leader says, ‘there are 2 sides to every story,’ elevating his own account. With the other hand, he persuades people never to indulge in gossip by contacting the other side. The leader receives a salute & the victim receives a chorus of silence.” – Ryan Ramsey, Pastor. For clarity, the “gossip” mentioned here deserves scare quotes, he is using it in the sense that abusive leaders use it. Gossip is sinful. But telling the truth with intent to shine light and bring about repentance and growth is never gossip. Asking someone for the truth about what happened because you are their friend, and you care about them, is also never gossip.
Actions I took
There is no documented structure for reporting abuses in the Network. This meant I had to find my own way.
Reporting Abuse
In April, while I was still at Vista, I reported that I believed that I was a victim of spiritual abuse to another small group leader in the church. He read a couple of short resources I sent him about it, and I talked to him for several hours about it, but he told me that he didn’t see it, at least not enough to take action. He said he would continue to look into it but that it would take time. Because of that, he told me I should not wait for him, and “You should leave.” At no point prior to us leaving did he offer to go have a conversation with the leaders either alone or with me. [Edited]
No other options
I didn’t want to “sow division” and I was well aware of strict “no-gossip” policies that meant I should never share critique of my leaders with other members of the church. Luke and Mark Guiles (Elder and Small Group Leader at Vista Church) had also previously told me about other people who were considering leaving, including Luke’s and Mark’s versions of why those people were leaving. I did not want them to be the ones to inform my friends that we were leaving. Due to those factors, I did not feel comfortable reaching out to anyone else about this. There was one exchange before we left where someone expressed concerns about Vista Church, and I responded that I agreed with the concerns and was thinking through things.
Leaving
We believed we were truly alone at this point. Left with no options, Paula and I made the hardest decision of our lives: to leave Vista Church. It was a devastating loss, primarily because we had no idea what would happen to our relationships. We also worried deeply for our friends, knowing that they did not know everything I had seen.
Offering to talk
After leaving, I offered to have a conversation with one of the elders of the church to explain more fully my reasons for leaving, which they declined. To this day I have not retracted that offer – it still stands, though as I said then, I would need a moderator present and a neutral location to feel safe.
What I told others
The person I reported the abuses to encouraged me to leave out “abuse” from my reasons for leaving when I talked to my friends, along with the stories of abuse. He and I agreed that if anyone asked him why I had left, he would tell them to talk to me. So, I gave most of my friends a light version of my reasons (“Church Governance”), along with a few examples where I thought that mattered. Some friends heard no explanation at all. Despite having promised to look into things, the leader I had spoken to hasn’t spoken to me about Vista Church since about a week after we left. The day after I left his language started shifting toward dismissal and excuses, and I have no reason to believe that changed.
I did everything I knew how to do
I want it to be very clear that I made a report of abuse to a leader in the church, and it was not dealt with in any serious manner, but rather I was told that I should leave. I offered to discuss it privately with an elder but was rejected.
At the time, this made me feel crazy – like I had no idea what was going on. Months of research and learning about spiritual abuse has left me with confidence that it happens regularly at Vista Church and throughout the Network.
I’m not enjoying this
I take no joy at all in doing this in this manner. I still love the leaders and wish that they had not left me with only this option. I feel a slight relief at the freedom of having my voice back and I hope it helps others. I’ve been silent so long, knowing that I’m leaving others in the dark. Forgive me for the delay – I’ve worked hard to get to a point where I can finally say these things.
Leaders: Please Receive Grace
There is grace for leaders who will humble themselves and listen. So much of it.
Note the example of Zacchaeus. Zacchaeus did not just go talk to everyone he had hurt, and say, “Sorry, I’ll never do that again.” He paid back so much that it dramatically changed his life going forward. He was guilty of abusing his position, and so are the leaders of Vista and the Network. In contrast, the rich ruler fails to give what Jesus demands, and goes away sad. This is called idolatry and it is not compatible with following Jesus with everything. I want to be clear: I am not making a statement here that the leaders aren’t Christian. I am only noting that repentance and destruction of idols is needed to follow Jesus fully. I hope dearly that the leaders will find their way to this route. I also dearly hope that some of you may be able to help guide them there if I am not able to.
Luke, Mark, Sundar, Steve, and the rest of the elders, pastors, small group leaders, worship leaders, and staff members in the Network: please model the repentance that you’ve said you’re about all these years. You’re hurting people. And you can stop. But it’s going to take a lot of faith in Jesus to do what you need to do. I will help you in any way you will let me. I mean that. God is still God, and he still loves you. I do, too.
James 4:6 says: “But he gives more grace,” and then continues (v9-10) with, “Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.” I want his grace and exaltation so badly for you.
My experience of abuse
And we finally turn to the abuses done by the leaders toward me and others. I’ll begin with a portion of my own experiences, and then continue to things you may have seen in your time in Vista or the Network.
I became a small group leader in early 2019. Right out of the gate, I was made to doubt my own identity and its value. In discussing my qualifications as a small group leader, Luke focused on the word “dignified,” telling me I needed to grow in this area by getting haircuts every two weeks and to bathe my children every other day. He also offered to help me to learn how to dress. I work in software engineering – we are famous for not caring about our appearances. It’s part of the culture. Not only that: I like my hair simple. I like my t-shirts and hoodies. And I see nothing in the Bible that tells me I shouldn’t. In fact, I see James warn against partiality toward ones who look put together, and Paul warn against women trying to display their wealth immodestly. But I stayed silent out of fear. The only other character issue raised was “an anger thing” that he never elaborated on.
In summer 2019, I felt like God wanted me to deepen my theological knowledge. Luke told me it was a bad idea, except for what I needed to know to lead small group discussion topics. When I told him my hesitance to learn more was from worries that I would disagree with him, he affirmed that fear. Luke said he even worried about what would happen if he disagreed with the Network - even though he serves on its leadership team.
The right answer would have been: “Let’s talk! Maybe we disagree, but we strive for unity in Christ, not uniformity in every piece of doctrine. Let’s look at the Bible and try to grow.” We get good at saying, “my opinion is this” or “my interpretation of the Bible is that.” Respectful disagreement and humility on secondary issues are not to be feared in the body of Christ. But I stayed silent out of fear.
Luke had repeatedly stated that Wayne Grudem said that churches should be apolitical. However, I looked at the book Luke referenced, and Grudem argues that Christians need to have significant influence on politics, and churches should lead in this. When I told Luke that Grudem didn’t say that churches should be apolitical, he rebuked me, saying “Well, I say that.” He also said that I shouldn’t have even been reading that book. Knowledge should never threaten a pastor, and he should never end an argument only his own word. But I stayed silent out of fear.
These behaviors are called “dismantling.” The effect, if successful, is that you turn over your decision making to the leaders in small things first, then bigger and bigger ones. Eventually, your will and your identity are simply what leaders tell you they are. You are reduced to playing a role in a play called “church.”
To prevent someone from acting on their desires to use their God-given skills for his purposes is to put shackles on their soul. It comes at a terrible price. I believe that being discouraged from deeply pursuing theology contributed to a depressive episode that included suicidal ideation, which I told some friends about. They were wonderful – praying for me, caring for me, and crying for me. It was a beautiful moment of God’s people doing God’s work in God’s way. I told Luke about it, and he rebuked me, telling me I should not have told them about it, and shouldn’t tell them in the future. This was because these friends were part of the small group I led, and they might worry about me. Luke told me that he’d take care of me, and that he would tell my friends that they shouldn’t expect me to talk to them about it anymore. Soon after that, I told him I was all better, and then he never asked about it again. This is completely unacceptable – you never take community away from a struggling person. You check in on them regularly. You might save their life. Luke’s actions could have cost my children their father. But I stayed silent out of fear. [Edited]
What followed was 18 months unlike any in my life. While COVID undoubtedly contributed to stress, 2020 for me was a year of stress about Vista. I gained something like 30 pounds. I lost sleep, probably more nights than not. Due to those initial interactions with Luke, if I had a concern, I would spend weeks or months trying to figure out what to do about it. I was so worried that Luke would rebuke me again. But when concerns affected others, I couldn’t drop it. I’d eventually talk to Eugene about it. Eugene would tell me I was right and should talk to Luke. When I talked to Luke, I frequently experienced hostile responses. Below are some examples.
What I have described is sin, but Jesus gives more grace.
Example Hostile Responses
“A pastor who doesn’t recognize power differentials in personal conversation isn’t safe.” - David Dzimianski (@DavidDzimianski on twitter)
This quote sums up why so many of these conversations were so hard - the power differential was extreme. Our whole life was built around Vista. To leave or be asked to leave would be to upend everything, particularly because we are only in San Luis Obsipo for the church plant. With no accountability process for Luke, I never knew what might cause me to have to leave (Eugene can attest that I worried about this). On Luke’s side, me leaving just meant losing one of many in the church. These are wildly different costs.
Pressed to break confidentiality
I found out that several women felt underserved and directionless in the church. I told Luke about it, and he assumed that they just wanted “roles.” A little later, he texted me to ask who the women were. When I responded that I didn’t think I should tell him, he called me and aggressively pushed me to tell him who the women were despite my repeated objections. If memory serves, the call lasted more than 30 minutes.
This was sin, but Jesus gives more grace.
“I wanted to talk about what’s wrong with you”
I asked for clarification on something another leader said at a meeting, because it sounded to me like partiality. Luke clarified, and I accepted it. Luke then said he had talked with James Chidester (a small group leader at Joshua Church, and Network Counselor to Network pastors), who was at the meeting, and they agreed that no one else could have taken it that way. Given that, he said something like, “I wanted to talk about what’s wrong with you that you would take it that way.” The voice was calm, the words devastating. We met to talk, and among other things, he accused me of wanting more influence in the church. This wasn’t true. To disprove it I tried to offer an example of something I had seen in his speaking on Sundays. It was something that I wasn’t sure was right, but that I said I would never bring up and didn’t care about. Luke responded harshly, including an assertion that it was wrong that I had even noticed this. I was so confused at the whole conversation.
This was sin, but Jesus gives more grace.
"That's hard! You can't say that!"
In November 2020, when the church announced that singing would resume, they cited a passage in Ezra for biblical support to disobey the state’s mandate against it. Unfortunately, they misread and incorrectly described what had happened in Ezra. A correct reading did not backup the decision they had made. Quick side note: Vista Church was meeting outside, and the government mandate, at least by that time, did not apply to outdoor singing – it was allowed, no biblical justification was needed. I told them this as well, which they did not correct to the church, even though they acknowledged that I was correct. My concerns about this decision were not that singing was to resume, but the Biblical error used to justify it.
When I told Luke I had questions about this, I was made to meet with the whole board of elders. I had no idea why – I had offered to send the questions ahead of time and he had told me not to. I told Luke this meeting scared me and did not feel safe, including at the start of the meeting. Both times, he told me I needed to trust him and press forward, saying “We love you. You’re family.” The stakes of this meeting were insanely high for me – respecting the Bible is a non-negotiable for me, and I had hoped deeply that either I was wrong or that they would be repentant. If neither happened, I did not know how I could stay at Vista Church because it would mean that the Bible would not be the highest authority in the church. And to lose Vista felt like it would be losing everything that mattered to me aside from my family.
After three weeks of stress and poor sleep, I met with the board. I learned four things:
• They were unaware that the mandate did not apply to outdoor singing but said that it was a staff member’s role to stay on top of that (the staff member wasn’t present to defend themself).
• They had found this passage a day or two before they cited it to the church, despite stating in the email that it had been the “text that has been most persuasive for us in this time.” [Edited]
• They had not consulted an ESV Study Bible which lays out the correct reading quite clearly. It’s worth noting that Luke trained small group leaders to always consult the ESV study notes precisely to avoid this type of misreading.
• They had received pressure from Steve and Sándor Paull (another member of the Network Leadership Team) to begin worshipping again.
I expressed my opinion that these answers were disappointing and not what I had hoped to hear. Given that, I hoped they would tell me what they would do about it. That didn’t happen, and when I kept pressing, Luke asked, “Are you asking if we care about the Bible?” Exasperated, I said “Well, yeah!” Luke harshly rebuked me, saying, “That’s hard, you can’t say that!” This caused me to absolutely collapse in tears as I realized I might actually lose everything. I eventually apologized to all three of the elders multiple times for having not brought enough love and grace to the conversation. I believe this apology was in error, and I retract it. I brought them assurance that they could continue worshiping. I privately brought them correction on a biblical text, so that they could clean it up. They gave me no assurances that they took this seriously, and then Luke backed me into a corner. The power dynamic in this conversation was as extreme as I have ever experienced. This conversation was intimidation and gaslighting – blaming me for reacting to their failures. They never apologized for this, beyond a simple wondering if maybe they shouldn’t have had me meet with all of them.
They eventually confirmed that I was right. Luke made a “concession” to the church a couple months later. It included no apology for the error, no clarified teaching, and no explanation of why we would be continuing to sing. I sent them a glowing thank you email, which I regret – I should have held them to the higher standard the Bible holds leaders to and pushed them to properly apologize.
This was sin, but Jesus gives more grace.
Accused of wanting control
I followed up with Mark (Luke said he was too busy) to try to understand how to raise concerns better. I told him that I loved the church and him and Luke and just wanted what was best for the church. This led to him musing whether I just wanted them to do everything my way, which was absolutely untrue. I strongly disagreed with Mark, telling him how hard that was to be accused of. I later apologized for my reaction, which was too strong. For his part, Mark did apologize for the accusation, but later defended his right to make it.
This was sin, but Jesus gives more grace.
“Vista is planted, you can leave.”
In March 2021, I was looking again into how women are to function and be led in the church and asked to borrow a book from Luke. I didn’t say what it was about, but the book made it obvious. Additionally, after the March shootings of eight in Atlanta, including six Asian women, I discussed my growing concerns about racial injustice with Luke, feeling like I needed to do more – Luke’s answer was that I could “pray for them,” and he promised to listen to some podcast episodes I sent him, but I never got confirmation that he had.
In April, Sándor addressed the small group leaders and their wives on four topics. First, he briefly said we might feel dull from COVID, and that’s ok – press on. Here are the other three:
Women in the Church
He also addressed women’s roles and how to lead them:
• Small group leaders’ wives have no authority or responsibility for leading the women in the group.
• He discouraged male small group leaders from meeting one-on-one with women in the group, even in public settings. This was a contradiction of what Luke and I had discussed a year earlier and sounded to me like no one was accountable for leading the women in the church.
Topic 2: Racial Injustice
He said that reading about incidents of racial injustice was “like reading about the Kardashians.” He said it was bad for the heart and we shouldn’t do it very much. This statement is a gross violation of Jesus’ parable of the good Samaritan, and therefore a violation of his command to “love your neighbor as yourself.” I believe this statement alone is disqualifying for Sándor without repentance.
Vista is planted, you can leave
He finished with a statement that “if you came on the church plant, and don’t want to be here anymore, Vista is planted, you can leave.” This felt like Sándor was saying that if we wouldn’t get on board for those two topics, we should get out – and quite possibly directing this at me personally, given my recent conversations with Luke. I cited this line from him in my departure letter, and no one pushed back with anything like, “No, no! We didn’t mean you,” or “that’s not what Sándor meant!
This was sin, but he gives more grace. Seriously – please. Humble yourselves.
The effect on me
I’ve had to learn a lot about the effects of trauma. Since leaving, I don’t sleep well. Nearly every night, I’ve had dreams about Vista (not good ones). I’ve gained a little more weight. I had to take a month off from work in September to try to get back to being able to do my job well. My family will likely move next summer, as most things in this town are triggering. I can’t go anywhere, even in my own house, without memories of Vista. I miss my friends (if you used to call yourself my friend, that means you – I’m still here, and we’ve still got a couch or table if you still want to be friends). I’ve lost my voice, my confidence, and I have no real idea who I am anymore. I still have Jesus, and he’s enough. I still have my family. And I still have a few very old friends who have been so supportive through this. But we have almost nothing else. The best word to describe this all for me is calamity. Absolute disaster. From what I’ve learned about recovery from this kind of trauma, it will be years before I’m myself again. I’ll never get my thirties back, and, like Frodo says, some wounds will never truly heal.
Public Examples of Spiritual Abuse
The above accounts require you to trust my accounts of private interactions with Luke, Mark, and others. While I have done my absolute best to be fair, truthful, and accurate, you may have doubts. I understand that. Many of you have never known the leaders closely. Some of you did know them but have never attempted to raise significant concerns to them. Abusive leaders can be very adept at showing one face to most people, and a different one to others.
However, the following is a list of abuses I viewed that took place in public. Please note that from my research, these types of behaviors are common in toxic, abusive churches. However, those who have spent their entire Christian life, or at least many years, in those type of churches may not be aware of how wrong they are. Because of this, I’ve tried to make it clear but I understand if it’s not. I’m happy to discuss them with anyone. I had noticed each of these things as they happened, but given how far apart many of them were, I didn’t put the pattern together until I was close to leaving. As you read, I’d recommend asking yourself three questions:
1. Does this sound like something that you witnessed at Vista Church?
2. Does this sound like something a Christian should do? Like something Jesus would do?
3. What do you wish the leaders would do?
One more biblical quote, Jeremiah 8:6: “No man relents of his evil, saying ‘what have I done?’” – please, leaders. Don’t be like that.
• Implying those who leave aren’t Christian: Luke shared a “vision” where people who left Vista during the pandemic were “burned up” in a forest fire while Luke waited outside the forest to see who would make it. Fire imagery can easily be taken to mean that they aren’t Christian. No clarification given to state that he didn’t doubt their faith. Also, a pastor’s place is with the people, leaving the 99 sheep to go after the one who is astray, at risk to themselves. Privately, Luke and other leaders would say he wished people who had left had “made it,” as though the only God-honoring way to run your race in this life was to be at Vista. Additionally, I would hear leaders (Luke, Sándor, Steve) speak about our church being special or speak ill of other churches, implying that we are “right” and others are not as good. [Edited]
• Control over beliefs: The membership form requires agreement with the entire set of beliefs taught at the Vista Series and Membership Bible Training (MBT). That includes election, baptism, demons, women’s roles, tithing, serving, yoga, tattoos, and many more things. These teachings are approximately 22 hours long, much of which is not written, and can only be heard once a year. Luke privately (in writing) confirmed that the membership agreement really did mean all the teachings presented in those series, and that the hope was that all members could have unity in those things. I can’t state for sure what would be enough to deny membership, but I was left with the impression that it was quite comprehensive. Read Acts 15 and contrast this with the instructions the apostles gave the Gentile believers.
• Control over money: Stating that Christians must give a full 10% tithe to their local church, despite Grudem disagreeing in a book published in summer 2018 (and many other prominent Christians disagreeing long before then). I heard Steve Morgan praise this book at the Network Leadership Conference in summer 2019, so he was aware of it. To my knowledge this has still not been changed, despite Luke privately promising me that he would “tweak the language.” I’ll cover this in a follow-up.
• Control over information: No transparency about finances beyond the monthly giving number. Privately (and in writing) I can confirm that they knowingly counted some tithes as offerings for “bookkeeping” purposes. My pay at Microsoft comes with sizeable quarterly and annual bonuses and stock grants. When I would tithe on that, and clearly communicate that’s what it was, it was still reported to the church body as “offerings.” Offerings were regularly defined to the church as generous giving over and above the 10% tithe. This could leave the impression that members of the church were more frequently giving generously above tithe than they actually were, possibly pressuring others to do the same.
• More information control: Limited transparency about the origins of the Network or significant events in it. It was only after I left that I found out that the Network had been part of Vineyard when Blue Sky was planted and previously had women in leadership roles. I heard origins of Blue Sky regularly, without ever hearing the word “Vineyard” once. When City Lights left the Network, there was limited transparency about the reasons. [Edited]
• Even more information control: A number of documents are unavailable to the church. This includes the small group leader training materials and topic guides. There is also a paper, written by Brian Schneider (lead pastor at Stoneway Church and one of the only pastors in the Network who has attended seminary). It attempts to justify disengagement on helping the poor, cited by Luke and Steve, but not made freely available. Luke did give me a copy in Summer 2020, and I will discuss it at some point. Some beliefs in the church are only taught in MBT which is only offered annually. It was not even offered in the first couple years of Vista.
• Forced Intimacy: Common in abusive relationships, the non-stop encouragement to “share your stuff” with your leaders creates huge pressure to share highly intimate details. Luke even encouraged small group leaders to check in on how often the men in their group were having sex with their wives (he asked me this once as well). Leaders are inconsistent in how they handle those stories, what they share with other leaders, how much grace they extend, etc. This intimacy is not mutual – the leader never shares these details with the person they are leading. Being unwilling to share is seen as distrust of leadership and immaturity. The small group leader training materials also recommend that it is “Super important to ‘get in their space’ to see their home and how they live. Gives lots of insight to who they are and how they’re doing. We must see what’s really happening to lead them well.” (exact quote)
• Learned Dependence: Another hallmark of abusive relationships. People developed a habit (encouraged by the church) to consult their small group leader on matters big and small. Steve once said that while your small group leader didn’t have to approve before you could date someone, not asking that leader was a sure sign you didn’t trust them and should find a new leader. There is no sign of this type of behavior in the Bible.
• Publicly criticizing family: Luke and Sándor both spoke negatively about things their wives had done, using the pulpit that their wives did not have access to. Luke’s wife was not present on at least one of these occasions (if I recall correctly, she was at home caring for a sick child). I also heard Steve share an unflattering story about his child from the pulpit. In that case, I remember Steve then telling the entire audience that they needed to protect him (Steve) by not telling his child he’d told the story. I can imagine that Steve might disagree that the story told about his child was unflattering. To me, it crossed a line - mostly because there was no permission from his child to tell it (and consent with children is a difficult concept anyways). If the story had been told about me without my permission, I would have been upset. I’ve seen many pastors lay down an ironclad rule that seems wise: you never share anything negative about your spouse or children from the pulpit. Ever. I won’t repeat the stories publicly but will clarify privately if needed. [Edited]
• Rapid Removal: Steve Morgan told a story multiple times at Blue Sky. He said that one time he saw a man in the church who had been coming around for a bit. He asked the guy how it was going, and the man responded, “Well you don’t have my favorite donut today.” Steve said he something along the lines that he then kicked the guy out of the church – the point of the story was to not complain about stuff. Note that Steve didn’t gently coach the man, with, “We’re doing what we can – you might want to learn to show some more grace.” The effect on my willingness to share my opinion about anything going forward was chilling.
• Control over bodies: Prohibitions on tattoos and yoga, despite no such prohibitions in the Bible. Extra-biblical rules around certain forms of physical contact during dating relationships. Overbearing caution against alcohol (outright prohibited amongst staff) despite Jesus drinking and Paul even telling Timothy to drink wine. Side note: I don’t drink, have tattoos, or want to do Yoga while I was in the network. But telling people they cannot is extrabiblical domineering.
• Crude Speech: Off-color jokes told from the pulpit, followed by “ok, filter back on” but no apology or attempt to avoid in the future. Some of these jokes were told with children present due to COVID shutting down childcare. One of them, with children present, was Luke quoting Mark as saying, “You used to cover a fart with a cough, in COVID you cover a cough with a fart.” This is not necessarily an example of spiritual abuse, but of unrepentance. Given how often Luke would say “filter back on”, it also indicated to me that there was minimal feedback to him or just offers of help from those who could have coached him. I know I for one did not feel comfortable attempting a correction, due to the interactions I’ve described. [Edited]
• Lacking investment in women: The structure for discipling women was less than robust, and I will write more about this later. I can’t possibly do justice to this here.
• Lacking involvement of women: Women also had insufficient voice in the church. It’s one thing to say women can’t be pastors. But there is no documented, structured way by which they are even consulted for their opinions with the exception of women in staff or leading women’s small groups. The published teaching by Tony Ranvestal on the Leaving the Network site is shocking because of its promise (in 2008) to include women’s voices in church operation even as his church transitioned to male-led (complementarianism). [Edited]
• Over-reliance on a single theologian: Note: The following point could be construed as critique of Wayne Grudem. It’s not. This point would apply if the Network treated any theologian like this. The over-reliance on Wayne Grudem and his Systematic Theology is dangerous. He is also a (the?) primary figure in the creation of the ESV translation and was the general editor of the ESV Study Bible. He was co-author of "Christian Beliefs", which is the book that drives MBT. In other words, the Network is highly driven by what Grudem says. There are so many additional solid theologians, scholars, and pastors – what I found was that many in the Network, any time the church did something, would respond with “well what does Grudem say?” This is not saying anything against Grudem – just that overreliance on a single voice is dangerous. I didn’t even realize there were other Systematic Theology books until I was out of the Network – I thought everyone used Grudem. I was wrong.
• Demands for unflinching loyalty: In documents now made public on the Leaving the Network site.
A statement that people who were “unwilling to learn and unwilling to follow” should “be led in a way that causes them to either change or leave.” (exact quotes)
A statement that small group leaders must “trust the leaders Jesus has established in the church" (exact quote), and “refuse to engage in criticism” (exact quote) toward them.
A diagram showing that loyalty is the highest mark of “real relationship progression” in someone in the church. Note that loyalty is not described in the Bible as a fruit of the Spirit. [Edited]
The use of 1 Samuel 24:1-12 (David won’t harm Saul because he is the “Lord’s anointed”) as a small group topic to show how even when the leaders are wrong, you should never speak ill of them or harm them in any way. I’ve heard that this passage is a favorite of abusive churches – it is misapplied in the church when it silences any dissent or critique.
• And more: More that I will publish, but I need to stop somewhere for now.
Gossip
Finally, I can’t close this section without stating this: the prohibition against gossip apparently does not extend to the leaders. Luke and Mark both told me details about at least a dozen people by name that I had no right to know. Some of them small group leaders, some of them people who had left the church, some of them still there. Some of the things they told me are things the subjects of the gossip have denied since. If the subjects are to be believed, that makes the leaders guilty of not just gossip but slander. For one potential example of slander, I am still a professing Christian, but Luke casts doubt on that via the vision cited above. If nothing else that kind of speech is ungenerous and reckless.
The real problem: Unrepentance
And one final problem makes this all such a big deal. The leaders have not repented or apologized for any of it. Sin is human. Repentance is the response. But it does not happen in Vista or the Network. Ask yourself why a preacher of Christ’s “Amazing Grace” would never apologize to the church. Is it because they never sin against the church? Or because they won’t admit it?
1 John 1:6-10 lays it out plainly: if we say we have no sin, we lie. We live in darkness. Sin loves the darkness. Abuse thrives in it. And therein lies the problem – there is no process for accountability for the leaders in the church. No ability to shine a light in the darkness. If someone doesn’t like something, they can leave. That’s it.
Accountability structures can take many forms – I’m not arguing for any particular church governance structure. But if leaving is the only option available when there are so many witnesses of abuse, the church is operating in the darkness by silencing the voices of those who might bring a flashlight. Instead, the light should be let in so that repentance can occur and the fruit of it can grow.
Vista had over 300 people in early 2018. Where did they all go? It was down to 200 by early 2020, pre-pandemic. And then around 100 by early this year, while many other churches grew. The number of people who used to call Vista their home outnumbers the number who currently do. What happened? Why did these people have to leave? Is it just because they didn’t “make it” or didn’t “get it”, as I would hear leaders sometimes say? Or did some of them have a more substantive concern?
Friends – have you reached out and asked your friends that left why they really left and made it clear you really want to know? Have you listened? Have you asked if they wanted to leave or just felt they had no other option? Have you trusted your friends or your leaders? Why? As near as I can tell, dozens, if not hundreds of people felt uncomfortable enough in the Network to leave and find a new church. Each of those people may be a person like me, who had no other option than to leave. As I said above, I left, and the result was total calamity. Friends wouldn’t talk to us. There’s therapy and anti-depressants. More suicidal ideation. Trauma-responses when trying to go to church. That’s not a church split, but when you look around and more than half the body from 3-4 years ago is gone, something is wrong.
What should you do?
That’s up to each of you! I have no authority over anyone in this, and I love that. I’m just trying to speak love, grace, and truth in spurring people toward holiness. That said, here are some humble ideas. One note to make is that I will recommend a lot of apologies. Sadly, most apologies these days look something like, “I’m sorry you felt hurt,” which isn’t an apology at all. I highly recommend reading Wade Mullen’s fantastic article on how to apologize well. It’s brilliant.
For everyone: How to contact me
You can engage on the r/leavingthenetwork subreddit, or reach out to me:
• Social Media:
Facebook: This post is publicly shared.
Instagram: @celestefinally
Twitter: @CelesteFinally
• Text: If you have my number, you can use it.
• Email: not.overcome@outlook.com or my personal email if you have it.
• Others: Please respect these boundaries – I need them for my mental health.
Phone: Please do not call me. I will not be answering and voice mails will be deleted without listening, regardless of who sent them.
In person: Please text or email to arrange a time to meet, and do not stop by unannounced.
Leaders
If you’re a leader: repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. This repentance may need to cost you your job or position in the church. But if that’s the only reason you don’t repent, then you’ve committed idolatry.
I also want to be clear: I forgive you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean trust. Forgiveness doesn’t mean everything is fine and restored, like it never happened. It means I drop any desire for vengeance. My letter is not an act of anger or vengeance, or borne of a bitter heart. It’s borne of love for you, the leaders, and the people you are leading. I want you to be able to follow Jesus well, and for those in your churches to be safe as they do the same. [Edited]
For pastors, elders, and staff in the Network, I’m more than happy to discuss these things if you are interested in learning, but it needs to be the right circumstances (neutral moderator, neutral location, etc.). You can also let me know if you believe that I have stated anything inaccurate. Like I said – these are my best recollections and I’m happy to correct anything and apologize if I was wrong.
For small group leaders who aren’t on staff or serving as elders, also feel free to reach out to talk. I’d encourage you to strongly consider the “I Repent” section above and see how much damage you might be doing. Read some of the resources I have provided. Examine yourself, being sober-minded. See where you need to repent.
Those in the Network
If you’re in the Network – Seek truth. My heart goes out to you. I know this is a lot to take. You can talk to me, even if we’ve never met. You can talk to others who have left. You can talk to leaders. Please don’t let someone tell you that you can’t talk to someone or listen to someone. I have provided some resources that I found helpful and will be sharing more on social media going forward. I’ll continue writing, and you can ask me to answer specific questions. When you know the truth, prayerfully and biblically consider what the right next steps are. I’m not in the church anymore, so obviously have no authority here, but I do believe that the pastors and elders of the churches and network are disqualified from leadership, just as I am. Abuse is no small matter in Jesus’ church. The words “I believe” and “are” regarding disqualification were carefully chosen. First, this is only my opinion. Second, I do not believe disqualification to be a permanent state for most sins. True repentance should be honored. It’s not for me to decide what would be right for the leaders of the Network. But I do believe that without repentance, disqualification continues. [Edited]
Those who have left the Network
If you’re out of the Network, have hope – you’re not alone. Reach out, I’d love to talk and support you in any way I can. Even if we’ve never met. Seriously – would love to connect.
The resources may help with healing as well - they’ve definitely helped me.
I’d also ask a favor. If you can, if it safe for you to do so, if you feel comfortable, and if you can do it with a clear conscience, I welcome you voicing support for what I’ve written here, even if you need to do that anonymously.
Those with feedback
If you believe I’m wrong about something, please let me know. I’ll be happy to correct errors and apologize if I’ve made them. All corrections will be noted clearly as revisions so that people can see them. I humbly ask for grace as I make them - there is a lot here, and I have done my best to make it as accurate as I can, but undoubtedly there will be fixes - thank you in advance for your corrections and understanding. [Edited]
Those I hurt
If I have hurt you - again, I truly apologize. I would love the opportunity to do so in person if you will let me. But it is entirely up to you - just know how deeply sorry I am and I will pray for your healing regardless.
Friends
If you call yourself my friend, I’d take a hug right about now (text or email first, though, please). This has been beyond difficult to write and has taken months. And I’d love to support you in any way I can. I know this is all hard. I really, really do. But I’d love to be able to support each other the way Jesus intended.
To everyone
I care deeply about anyone who is reading or listening to this. And my heart breaks for you all in so many ways. I love you all and pray Christ’s love and grace for you all.