Life Abundant

“I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.” - Jesus, from John 10:10, ESV

The Transgender Pride flag, made of LEGO.

Hi, I’m Celeste!

Ok, a little background. I cannot complain about the life I have lived until now. I’m blessed with a wonderful partner and two wonderful children. I had two loving parents, and a wonderful sister (but don’t tell her I said that). I had wonderful grandparents who I knew loved me every minute I knew them. I have lived a life of privilege, coming from parents who provided well, and particularly a father who introduced me to computers at a very young age. That start, and the education they paid for, enabled me to begin what would be a successful 17 years working in software engineering at Microsoft. I’ve had many good friends over the years, each of which I love and am thankful for.

It’s not perfect. This site testifies to the difficulties. But I’m well aware that I’ve had a much easier life than most.

But what I have not been able to do is truly be myself. I’ve spent a lifetime playing a role. A useful skill to have, and one I employed often in my job as I represented varying positions of my managers with other groups. But not one that should need to be used in one’s personal life.

A quiet voice

“Who am I?” Those who know me well know that I love the film Moana, because it’s all about identity and struggling to be you. It’s not a “follow your heart”, but rather a bravery to really look at yourself and figure out who you really are. Lin-Manuel Miranda’s lyrics include this gem: “And nothing on earth can silence / that quiet voice still inside you.”

And there has indeed always been a quiet voice inside me. One that, like the voice in Moana, could cause tremendous disruption if I gave it voice. So I shut it out. And I did it well. Until I didn’t have to anymore.

Who I’m not

Many others in my situation have horrific stories of depression and suicidal ideation. Many of them, in fact, aren’t here anymore. I consider myself fortunate to say that for me, the primary negative impact was a numb feeling as I dissociated from myself. I lived in my brain, not in my body, as anyone who knows me can attest.

I never understood caring about style (I’ve worn a hoodie almost every day of my adult life). I tried to “dress like a grown-up” a few times, and hated it. I’d shave my beard off every 2-3 weeks, until a few years ago when I decided to just keep it, but not keep it well. Honestly, I avoided looking in mirrors. Social disconnects were also prevalent as people expected me to play a role that I just didn’t feel at home in. Moana likewise knows the role she’s supposed to play, but it just never fits quite right.

But the situations I was in never allowed a space for this to be explored, until I left the conservative churches I’d been a part of. It simply wasn’t an option, so I kept it at arms length.

But after leaving my former church, I began reevaluating a lot of my former beliefs, including my stance on LGBTQ+ issues. That work culminated in writing an article in June, which is the single piece of writing I am most proud of in my life. It’s very long, but I spent a huge amount of time researching this, learning from many who could say even more on the topic. I only wish I’d had the courage to do that work earlier.

I Was Wrong (About LGBTQ+ People and the Bible) — Not Overcome

Who am I?

So I had to go on a journey to figure out: who am I? Over a year ago, I became aware of people who’d felt the way I did. And they had done something about it. I found myself identifying with King George in Hamilton: “I wasn’t aware that was something a person could do.” So I started experimenting.

Earlier this year, I got a new shirt, hat, and pants. I tried them on. I saw myself. And I cried a little while honestly… giggling. I saw… me. I will never share that photo with anyone, because it’s terrible. But I was, for lack of a better word, happy. My wife (Kat) said it was the happiest she’d seen me since before we were married.

Who I am

I am a transgender woman. Always have been.

My name is Celeste Jamie Irwin. Nice to re-meet you!

“Jamie” is a switch of my previous middle name, “James,” which was given to me to honor my father. I’m proud to be able to continue that going forward with the gender-neutral (more commonly feminine), “Jamie.”

My former first name, “Jeffrey” has no obvious feminine variant. I considered… all the names. Finally, I chose “Celeste”. Celeste means “heavenly”, which aside from the obvious faith connotations, has the derivative “Celestial”, as relating to the stars. I wanted a name that captured the spirit of a voyager, an explorer, and when I heard, “Celeste,” it just clicked.

As a bonus, Celeste is also the name of a wonderful indie video game. The game tracks the main character, Madeline, who is herself a transgender woman, trying to climb a mysterious mountain (Mt. Celeste, in British Columbia, Canada), while trying to make peace with a part of herself that she just doesn’t understand. The game has been wildly popular, but particularly with the trans community. My kids have been calling me “Maddy” (portmanteau of “Mom” and “Daddy”) which is also a fun shortened version of “Madeline”.

And finally, “Celeste Jamie” has a sneaky reference to The West Wing, as one of the main characters is “C.J.”

But that’s just a name. Who, or what am I?

Well, I’m still me. Beyond that:

I’m still a Christian.
I still love my wife, two kids and dog (a yellow lab named “Banjo”). Kat has been beyond supportive in all of this, though of course it was not what she was expecting. My kids have been nothing but excited. Banjo doesn’t seem to care much.
I still love Excel, LEGO, Marvel, various video games, and watching various sports.
I’m still attracted to women, so that makes me lesbian as well as trans.
Still true: “I don’t like bullies. I don’t care where they’re from.” - Steve Rogers
Ice Cream is still wonderful.
I’m still figuring out what I want my next career to be, but starting to have some real options.
I still like jokes and puns. Sorry not sorry.

What’s next?

Most of life will continue as normal, but I’ll get to be much more myself. I started Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) on November 10th, and I (and others) can easily tell that I am simply calmer, less irritable, and I feel generally lighter than I have in my entire adult life. Like if someone always had your phone brightness down to minimum - it works, but it’s a strain. Then they turn it to a proper brightness and all of the sudden things feel “right.”

Transition is a long process (years). Hair takes a long time to grow, makeup is hard to learn, assembling a wardrobe, letting hormones take effect, as well as various surgical options down the line. I’ll share a lot about it on twitter, and a little about it here and on Facebook/Instagram.

But for now, I just love getting to finally be me: Celeste.