The “Stay to help” Checklist
Trigger Warnings: Abuse in a religious environment, religious trauma
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight. -Proverbs 4:7
“We don’t leave a place that we call home without a compelling reason.” – Amy Fritz
Preface and Attribution
This post was inspired by Episode 28 of the Untangled Faith podcast, hosted by Amy Fritz, interviewing therapist Krispin Mayfield. The episode is titled “Should I stay in my faith community to try to make a difference?” All quotes below are used by Amy Frit'z’s permission. Please listen to it first! It's only 48 minutes and is the best treatment I’ve heard on the topic. Here are the links:
This post attempts to consolidate the specific questions into a checklist of sorts for you to work through in your situation.
About me: I’m not an expert or anything – just a guy with a blog and a passion for these topics. Feedback is welcome at not.overcome@outlook.com.
The Situation
This article assumes you are in a faith community in which there are serious issues that you believe should be addressed. It also assumes that you’ve already determined that if the issues are unaddressed, you will probably need to leave.
But, in a noble move, you’re considering “Staying to try to help.”
Staying to Help: A Noble Goal, but Perhaps Unwise
Staying in an organization you know is struggling or unhealthy, to make change, can be noble. It truly can be an admirable desire, and scripture backs that up. See the following verses:
James 5:19: My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.
Galatians 6:1-2: Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.
Proverbs 25:12: Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.
Matthew 18:15: If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
The verses 16-17 add additional people to call the brother to repentance in increasingly public settings.
To try to help someone see the error in their ways, and then help them, is indeed a beautiful and valuable thing.
But there is a counterpoint found repeatedly in Proverbs:
23:9: Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the good sense of your words.
24:21-22: My son, fear the LORD and the king, and do not join with those who do otherwise, for disaster will arise suddenly from them, and who knows the ruin that will come from them both?
29:1: He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing.
29:9: If a wise man has an argument with a fool, the fool only rages and laughs, and there is no quiet.
The question then is: when is staying to help a good thing? Are there times where we need to move on? This question requires wisdom – there’s not any one verse that can settle it for every situation.
Fortunately, Krispin Mayfield and Amy Fritz identified a set of questions that can be very helpful in this regard.
The Checklist
I thought it would be useful to turn this into a sort of checklist. Anywhere that doesn’t have a citation to the podcast are my own questions – take them with a few more grains of salt!
All quotes from the podcast episode will be in blue italics.
You:
Do you know why you are staying?
If for unity, are your leaders as committed to unity as you are? Or do they simply expect you to fall in line? “People say… I shouldn’t just leave based on an issue. Which is funny, at least for us protestants because that’s basically all we’ve done throughout history.” – Mayfield
Are you staying just for relationships? If so, why would you lose those relationships by leaving? If it’s because of a history of shunning (avoidance of former members), those aren’t healthy relationships. “It takes about 2-3 years to find out the reality of how your church works, what their real values are, what the culture of it is, what the leadership is like, and it’s also about that time where you’re really relationally invested.” – Mayfield, quoting his pastor. Continues “When you have that relational connection with someone, the negative things about that person and about that relationship get filed away in this part of your brain that is not recognized.” (seriously, listen @ 29:45)
Do you have any real influence or voice?
Are you a leader? Someone close with one of the leaders? Or just a member?
Do you understand this could take a very long time? “When it comes to making change, like deep, systemic change, it takes years.” – Fritz, quoting Scot McKnight. She goes on to say “That is really important to think about at the outset, understanding this is not a sprint, this is a marathon.”
What is the cost? Can you bear it?
What are some of the costs?
Health (Mental, Physical) “Some people have different physical manifestations. You’re putting yourself in a stressful situation. And ‘Are you seeing that stress show up in your body?’ is a really good question.” – Mayfield (great stuff here starting around 35:46)
Are you mentally prepared for the stress? “I don’t have to save the world.” – Mayfield. “Maybe you just do not have the emotional bandwidth, the actual time to invest in this.” - Fritz
Impact on children if you have any? (Good and bad) – (just listen at 38:06)
Normalized behaviors?
As parents, are you able to be present for your kids?
How much of a toll will it take?
Do you have constantly misaligned values? “if it’s like ‘I’m continually going into this space and the whole approach to God, or the whole approach to leadership or community, is really at odds with where I am in my spirit’, that does take a toll over time.” – Mayfield
Is it unhealthy for you? “You really needed a place that was going to emphasize God’s love and delight over judgment.” – Mayfield’s former pastor, affirming his decision to leave
Is someone supporting you as you do this? “You’re going to need somebody or something pouring into you in order to do this.” - Fritz
Will it be worth it to you if the change never happens? “What would you do if this person never changed?” - Mayfield
Do you have the skills and abilities to help?
Listen to the podcast @ roughly 25 minutes and following for a discussion on listening to marginalized voices who have been doing this for years – it’s so good, I can’t do justice to it here.
This stuff is really hard to do – are you equipped to do it?
Do you understand what you would want? Can you name it? “How much change would I like to see and is it likely to happen?” – Fritz
o Do you have wise counsel that is unbiased and impartial?
A therapist, a friend at another church, etc.
Are you guarding against “betrayal blindness” and truly not see the unhealth in our own experience. “Our brains are working against us when it comes to really seeing and really engaging with the fact that we are invested in a place that is unhealthy.” – Fritz
o Have you taken off any rose-colored glasses or listened to others who might be independent? “We are going to have things that we don’t like about every organization or community we’re a part of… What is it you don’t like? Can I name that?” – Mayfield (listen more at 32:38 where they discuss disgraced pastor Bill Hybels and how someone in his church responded)
The broader church
Could you be more effective, having more impact somewhere else? “For most of us… we’re going to be investing in some sort of system.” – Mayfield, after talking about someone who stayed somewhere for years, but then left and was able to have far more impact since then.
The Leaders:
Is the leadership interested in change? “You probably need to know that the leadership… is also interested in that change otherwise you’re probably going to hit your head against a wall.” – Mayfield
Is the leadership demonstrating commitment to meaningful change? Or do “they keep saying they appreciate what I have to say, but nothing’s happening,” as Fritz hypothesizes?
Absent that, will your presence have any true grassroots effect?
Are the leaders willing to accept help and input? “Who do [the leaders] look to for influence or input?” – Mayfield
From you?
From others in the church?
From other leaders in the church, network, or denomination?
From external voices, authors, speakers, theologians, etc? If so, who?
“How do [the leaders] deal with differing opinions?” – Fritz
Are they shutting down discussion: For example, would they say, “These are the sheep, I am the shepherd, and it’s my job to be the gatekeeper of good theology. I have the degree. I have the spiritual authority here. If there are people coming to me with different opinions on different theological things, it’s my job to set them straight.” – Mayfield. This part starts at around 14:58 and goes for a few minutes of important content.
Do you believe the leaders have disqualified themselves? If so, as a Christian, how long can you sit under their illegitimate leadership in that state?
Others in the church:
Do others perceive your participation in the organization as a signal that you think everything is fine? Are they staying because you are (at least in part)? “You may be someone’s canary in the coal mine.” – Fritz (conversation starts around 40:12)
Are others staying just because they value your relationship? Are you staying just because you value theirs? Would you both be happier leaving?
Are there others interested in the same change or are you alone? Would they work with you on this? “Who else can get involved?” – Mayfield
Are others taking in teachings that are unhealthy? “How many other people would be shocked to hear that this is the position you actually hold, rather than what they assume…” – Mayfield, to a former pastor.
Have others already tried? What was their experience?
Are there people who have been wounded or are being wounded?
Are the leaders actively trying to care for them? This would include apologies, protection from further harm, and listening to them, and may include attempts at restitution including explicitly ending any shunning or silencing that had been happening.
Are you being prevented from caring for them? (Suggestions of shunning or silencing)
Are you giving money to the church? If there is abuse, why is it good to be giving money to abusive leaders while the abused are not being cared for?
Are you inviting new people into the church? If so, are you open and honest with them about the issues that are occurring? What dangers are you exposing them to? What if this is their first experience with organized Christianity – if they experience the same harms, will they be willing to try Jesus again?
Bible, Jesus:
Is there anything biblically obvious here? Are there first or second tier issues in doctrine or practice:
When you pray and examine your heart, what do you find?
Do you have any idols at play that are keeping you attached? Comfort? Power? Pride?
The organization
What is important about this organization specifically? Do you know why it’s important to stay in it? Or for it even to continue? In other words: why is it important that the organization get better?
How to use
That’s not a simple set of questions, but think through it carefully. For me, it seems the biggest ones that will be the blockers for most people:
Do you actually have any influence?
Have the leaders demonstrated interest or commitment to change?
Are others being harmed, and is your continued participation enabling that?
Be careful – especially not to get manipulated yourself.